The Dog Days of…Fall

Went out to rake the last of the leaves yesterday, knowing that I had my work cut out for me. I’d been putting this job off longer than I should have, and now I was gonna pay dearly for my slothful ways. I’d considered teaming up with Sheryl and the dogs, maybe tying a rope to each of them (just the canines, mind you) with a leaf rake attached to the other end and then coaxing them back and forth through the yard with those special canine keywords (“wanna go for a walk?”), but Jax would probably have thought that he was being punished, and Molly, I know, would just plop down in place and fall asleep.
As I trudged out in the cold and desolate yard/wasteland with rake & spade in hand, I realized that I had better shovel up the dog and cat poop first if I didn’t want to be patty-caking their leavings with my hands as I pushed the leaf piles into the trash can. Damn. Like raking leaves wasn’t bad enough. Can’t I hire someone to do this for me? I’m thinking that Brad Pitt never has to deal with this.
So I swapped out my leaf tools for my poop tools and began the aromatic search. Didn’t take long to discover more piles than I could have found at the local dog shelter, and the more I scooped, the more piles I found. Freakin’ animals.
By the time I’d finished an hour later, I had filled half a 5-gallon bucket with soft, ripe and pungent feces of all sizes & consistancies. Hell, I had just done this a couple of weeks ago! I thought to myself, don’t their bodies absorb even part ‘a that 40 lbs. of food we give them every month? Shit fire, can’t they at least do their duty in the back forty instead of right here in the yard that they play in? Oh, hell no, that’d be too easy. I’m guessing that the dogs figured that the more they pooped IN the yard, the more likely that we’d take them OUT of the yard.
I swear, carrying around a bucket of poop made me feel like a prisoner in a Japanese prison camp, and it was all I could go to keep from gagging as I held the bucket at arm’s length. What do you do with that much dog poop? I didn’t want to burn it in the burn barrel for fear of pissing the neighbors off, and I didn’t want to toss it in the back ally because I and the dogs walk out there occasionally. And of course, both my flanking neighbors were home so I couldn’t slip it over the fence and let them deal with it. Oh, the homeowner’s dilemma…
I ended up emptying it in a tin garbage can reserved for this purpose, a can that I keep at the very back border of the backyard. At least until one of the neighbors leaves for a few minutes. This can is filling up!
You might be asking yourself (or someone close to you), what am I gonna do with the garbage can once I top it off (probably in another week at this rate!)? Well, some day, someone will piss me off enough to use it. Too bad my Congreeman doesn’t have a local office.
And yes, I finally did get the leaves raked up, a huge and towering mound of shit-free leaves that I will now have to burn tomorrow. Maybe the smokescreen will mask the fences enough that I can dump the dogshit can over the neighbor’s fence.
But I did have one epiphany out of the whole deal…I’ve decided to start feeding the animals nothing but soup from here on out. So it was (almost) worth it.

This entry was posted in Miscellaneous Thoughts. Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *